Tag: mental illness

Things I Want Right Now:

1. To scoot out from under this bad case Return to Depression Mountain I have had for…a while now.

2. To avoid panic attacks or Hulk Smash/Hulk Want to Cry incidents at work.

3. To find out what my MMPI-2 results seem to indicate besides the depression, anxiety, and panic disorder I already know about.

asynca:

“People would be less mentally ill if they had a full-time job and felt Useful™!”

Lady, being seriously mentally ill is a full time job. You know how much effort it takes to not just lie in bed and stare at social media 24/7 when you’re super depressed? The fact someone actually got up, managed to have a shower and make themselves breakfast that consisted of more than just half-stale cereal is fucking great. Good on them, and stfu. 

This. So much this.

I have a (part-time) job now, which, while it helps me feel useful and thus lessens that ONE particular issue with my anxiety and depression, does not at all mean that sometimes getting out of bed to go to work isn’t hard af or that I don’t sometimes feel utterly useless at times.

I’m not less mentally ill because I have a job that helps me feel Useful. I’m just a person with depression, anxiety, and a job which sometimes helps/sometimes Does Not Help At All with those two things.

And that’s not getting into the whole “most people with full-time, minimum wage jobs WILL very likely have stressors related to money”, which does not help mental illness at all.

inkskinned:

i make a funny post about my feelings of numbness; a person points out i have executive dysfunction. for a second i snort; i know i have mental illness, nothing new here under the sun. but then i realize how many of my symptoms i forget are symptoms. that it’s not normal to be tired all the time. that it’s not normal to get angry for no reason. that the fact i carefully balance between depression and anxiety isn’t a normal railroad track to be walking – i know that it’s not normal to constantly wonder if the train is coming; i forget other people aren’t standing in the way, that being hit isn’t even an option.

there are a lot of posts that make me laugh at first. “do you ever feel you’re running out of time for no reason?” the person asks. “anxiety,” another replies. it’s sort of sad-funny. but i wonder how many of us are asking “am i okay?” “is this me or a symptom or normal?” 

how very sad none of us know what to expect out of this. i have a diagnosis and i still wonder if it’s normal to panic on buses. is it normal i’ve been having panic attacks since i was young? i picture my seven-year-old self with new technology. would i have typed into google why can’t i sleep or would i have assumed everyone constantly feels like they woke up from a bad dream?

do people who are healthy ask “does anyone else”? do people who are healthy ever have to wonder if they’re in one piece? what is it like? 

“anyone else get bad feelings in classrooms?” i wonder aloud. somebody looks at me with pity. now it comes down to the question: is it me or anxiety?

This is how I imagine some conversations with doctors about things insurance wouldn’t want to pay for for me, because one would likely be considered elective, and the extent to which I would want the other to go would be considered cosmetic:

Me: So, I have accepted that I live with anxiety and depression, and I’m doing my best to manage those. But here are a couple of things that would really help lessen some of my anxiety and depression. ::points out procedures::

Dr(s): ::hem and haw, and loooook at me, and maybe use the word “normal”::

Me: To slightly tweak a line from a musical, ‘I don’t give a flying fuck what’s *normal*–I haven’t had a *normal* day in years.’