Tag: kirkwallhellmouth talks gender

Things I Hate About Anxiety:

When I am feeling good and happy about and admiring about some part of my chosen appearance–like my hair after a fresh haircut, or how well a buttoning shirt (from the men’s department) fits, or how good a shirt/tie combination looks–I hate how the voice of Anxiety will creep in with “you’ll never get a job dressed that way; you’ll never get a call back from an interview if you go dressed like that–as yourself, the way you’re comfortable–everyone knows that, you know that.”

And…it’s not exactly *un*true. Articles pop up all the time about the impact of makeup and perceived femininity on hiring. Most recently, Cheeto Voldemort’s desire for his female staffers to “dress like women” also reflected this (though I am thankful that that spawned backlash).

I cannot function normally in a dress. In a dress, I have to have a different persona–I have to be a character. I could probably pull off Distant Aristocrat, but I’ve only ever *actually* performed–as an actress–Somewhat Campy Ingenue. Otherwise you just get Person Who Feels Like They Are Doing Really Bad Drag And Would Prefer Not To if you put me in a dress. Skirts I can manage by pretending they are kilts. I do not think that would work if I had to wear one on a daily basis; in that case, I would be sorely tempted to buy the cheapest kilt I could find, wear it, and see if any one noticed.

In short, I want to be Me, and anxiety is a douchecanoe about that when it comes to the job market (which tends to hate me quite well enough sight-unseen, on paper, let alone in person).

I didn’t really appreciate Princess Leia when I was a kid. I was too busy running as far away from most anything with the word “princess” or the color pink in it to notice how strong she was. I was too busy being confused by a world where most other media told me that blue and all the toys I liked were for boys and all the toys I had no interest in were for girls; that all girls liked those things and that that–liking those things, dressing like that, all of it–was the Way Girls Were, the Only Way. And I didn’t fit that. So I ran very far in the opposite direction (minus some ill-fated attempts to “fit in” in junior high.

I only really hit the point of realizing and believing that there was more than one way to be a girl–that in fact that there are many ways, and that no matter how much flack all of those ways get for not being “right,” they all are–in my late teens to early-to-mid twenties. And I realize that I lost out on so much because of swallowing the lie that there’s only one way to be a girl, and that that way is inferior.

So I came to love Carrie Fisher first for who she was in later life, as she spoke openly about dealing with addiction and mental illness. And then I learned to love Princess–and later General–Leia.

So here’s to you, Carrie, General and Princess and Space Mom. I wish I’d known you longer, but thank you for being you.