Tag: depression

One of the bad things about thinking about yet another swerve in direction when it comes to career/employment is that seems to give me the occasional really annoying dream where I am still 31-going-on-32 but I’m stuck be a student in a junior high or high school class where somehow no one thinks this is a strange or awkward thing.

Last night’s sucked because the teacher gave “homework”…but you couldn’t take it home to finish if you didn’t finish it in class–like she would MAKE YOU leave it in the room with her–which is the antithesis of homework.

I think some of this is because my situation = chronically ill (type 1 diabetes), anxious (with a side of panic disorder), depressed, adult-diagnosed Autistic person who basically did a BA and MA in some of their special interests (aka to modify some song lyrics, “What do you do with a BA and MA in English?”), then did an MA in one of the “Only Careers Where Those Degrees Are Useful“ (which is a different way of saying “those who can’t, teach” which is bullshit) and discovered it would take a Very Specific Environment in order to actually manage to do the Teaching Thing.

And the other bits would be easier to deal with as far as Doing A Job would go if the chronic illness wasn’t there because ahahahaha, cannot live without some form of insurance because American For Profit Healthcare System and Pharmaceutical Corp Owners Made of Greed.

And naturally I think about all of this a lot more before bed because The Night Is Dark And Full of Fewer Distractions (and Occasionally Terrors).

inkskinned:

i make a funny post about my feelings of numbness; a person points out i have executive dysfunction. for a second i snort; i know i have mental illness, nothing new here under the sun. but then i realize how many of my symptoms i forget are symptoms. that it’s not normal to be tired all the time. that it’s not normal to get angry for no reason. that the fact i carefully balance between depression and anxiety isn’t a normal railroad track to be walking – i know that it’s not normal to constantly wonder if the train is coming; i forget other people aren’t standing in the way, that being hit isn’t even an option.

there are a lot of posts that make me laugh at first. “do you ever feel you’re running out of time for no reason?” the person asks. “anxiety,” another replies. it’s sort of sad-funny. but i wonder how many of us are asking “am i okay?” “is this me or a symptom or normal?” 

how very sad none of us know what to expect out of this. i have a diagnosis and i still wonder if it’s normal to panic on buses. is it normal i’ve been having panic attacks since i was young? i picture my seven-year-old self with new technology. would i have typed into google why can’t i sleep or would i have assumed everyone constantly feels like they woke up from a bad dream?

do people who are healthy ask “does anyone else”? do people who are healthy ever have to wonder if they’re in one piece? what is it like? 

“anyone else get bad feelings in classrooms?” i wonder aloud. somebody looks at me with pity. now it comes down to the question: is it me or anxiety?