grey-is-my-favourite-colour:

Anon submitted:

*genitals mention tw, rape mention tw, sex mention tw*

I am an Asian cis-WOC who has a lot of frustration with the asexual community.

I’ve written about this elsewhere, but I really need white people – asexual and allosexual – to stop saying that “POC sexual attraction/behavior isn’t privileged" as a way to invalidate asexuals. This implies that asexual POC are thus privileged over allosexual POC, which is very insulting to us. Yes, POC may be judged more harshly for sexualized behavior – for example, Miley Cyrus and Lena Dunham are praised as “feminist” but Beyonce is criticized for being “too sexy” – and everyone should be aware they’re not falling into that trap.

However, hypersexualization and fetishization of POC is driven by racism, not about our sexual attraction or behavior. My features – olive skin, thick dark hair, full lips – are usually portrayed in popular culture as sexy or sensual, not pretty or beautiful or cute. Before I knew I was ace, I had intense self-loathing, particularly for sexualized body parts such as thighs and skin. I still struggle with body hatred because I don’t feel sexual but look that way.

POC bodies, NOT BEHAVIOR, are sexualized and fetishized. Stereotypes about genital size inform stereotypes of black men as hypermasculine and Asian men as effeminate. Even a wealthy, middle aged, married black woman like Michelle Obama has inappropriate media attention paid to her rear end. Asian fetishists are fascinated by rumors that Asian women have sideways vaginas or that we’re “tighter” than other women. Some people even refer to our skin color in food terms. Even when fetishization is not so blatantly anatomical, there are stereotypes about Latinx and Middle Eastern people as “naturally sensual” or Native American and indigenous people as “noble savages,” their bodies providing playgrounds for fulfillment of white sexual fantasies. This has nothing to do with our sexuality, whatever it may be, and everything to do with our race.

White aces, how would you like your race to be a popular porn category, or to have cis-het men associate your race with massage parlors, mail-order brides, and foreign sex tours?*

White people need to understand that asexual POC do not get a free pass out of sexualization and also need to stop exploiting racism to silence or bash aces – some of whom are POC(!)

Lastly, I want to address the rhetoric around sex favorability. I want white aces to think about WOC when they discuss sex favorability, compromise, and “aces can have sex too!!!!!” It is not ok to promote asexual sexual availability without also promoting asexual sexual agency.

Too often allosexuals hear “aces can have sex too!!!!” and assume that since we don’t feel sexual attraction (one definition), sex doesn’t mean anything to us, and therefore we’ll eagerly comply with their desires. I have seen them happily suggest that sex means about as much to us as eating pie, or that we do it as a chore to keep our allosexual partners happy. (Fine if you do, but this doesn’t apply to most asexuals – I suspect that most sex-enjoying asexuals enjoy it only under certain circumstances, and many of us don’t care for it at all.)

WOC are already hypersexualized, denied sexual agency due to our race and gender, and may be sought out for specifically sexual reasons (it’s harder to spot than you think, racial fetishists may deny it, or not be upfront/obvious). We don’t need another reason for people to assume our sexual availability. If the asexual community really wants to support aces of color, particularly ace WOC,** we need stop the unqualified “aces can have sex” line and instead insist that asexuals have the right to completely opt out of sex (as most of us will) or to freely choose to have it on our own terms.

*White people, now is not the time to call me “wh*rephobic” or SWERF. My problem here is not with women in the sex industry (or mail order brides for that matter), but men associating Asian women with sexual availability. This happens with other WOC too. It is racist because 1.) it generalizes about an entire racial group of women, and 2.) WOC and women from non-Western countries are overrepresented in the sex industry due to the socioeconomic effects of institutionalized racism, colonialism and exploitation. Given that men, including johns, commit the overwhelming majority of physical and sexual violence against sex workers, and that many think it’s ok to coerce or mistreat sex workers (example, assuming exotic dancers will also offer sex or sexually assaulting them), I don’t think it’s “wh*rephobic” for me to fear for my safety if a cis-het male stranger assumes I’m a sex worker.

**This is applicable to other aces, not just POC.