Dysphoria-ish talk under the cut/read-more.

So. My mom and I screwed up and missed my latest appointment with my gp (who is actually an internist, but that is neither here nor there at the moment). So we need to get that rescheduled. And will probably, at that point, present him with a copy of the list we made of “here are the physical and psychological reasons Ames wants/needs her boobs to be gone”. Which makes me a little nervous because he doesn’t emote much which can be somewhat anxiety inducing.

My next appoint with my psychologist is in a little less than a month and is the day before my birth day. I am thinking I will make a copy of most of the “boobs be gone” list to give to her as well. I will probably spend the rest of that session gazing intently at her intricately carved desk and stemming with its texture like my life depends on it.

And on my birthday I see my endo. I have no fucking idea what my A1C will be, but hopefully better than it’s been.

Also need to set up appointment with gyno. Need also to give her the “boobs be gone list”.

And I know I want the first two doctors and the gyno to be aware of this, at least, even though it will probably be ages before I have that kind of money (I managed to put away $500 towards it while I worked at the call center, but that’s pocket change compared to what I’d need.) I’d just…I’d like to manage it before I’m 40 (I’m coming up on 32 now, no job, no idea what I can or could do for a decent living that wouldn’t make me want to die), but idk.

And I know that fund raiser thingies exist, but I also feel like other people deserve to use those for this way more than I do, and would feel guilty as hell about it. Also, it wouldn’t be something I feel I could show to most of the people I know/have known offline. Because a lot of them are the kind of people it would be easier to deal with showing up sans tits and then sort of explaining than trying to explain why I need Tits-Be-Gone surgery.